How to Respond
When Someone Talks about hurting themselves or someone else:
Stay Calm. Fight the urge to respond with shock/emotion. Instead, stay calm and talk very matter of factly. It lets them know that they are not crazy and you don't think any less of them!
Affirm their feelings. “I’m sure you feel “very alone, hurt, angry” right now. I sorry that you feel this way…feelings are powerful things and often times lead us to do impulsive things that we might later regret.
Thank them for telling you. “Thank you for telling me. This is what you needed to do. Reaching out for help like this is a step toward healing.”
Affirm their value. ”I value you so much as an individual, and God does too. God loves your uniqueness, and He is here with you now and always. You are precious to Him, and nothing can change that.”
Ask direct questions. Remember, these questions will help them process their feelings.
DO ask questions that will help you assess where they are. Get them to share specific details about what they are thinking. (see questions below)
DON’T ask questions like “why would you do that?” or “why haven’t you told me?" These questions will make them feel shameful and will cause them to dwell even more on the reasons they feeling the way they do.
Open up a conversation about talking to someone for help.
Ask: “Is there anyone else you think you need to talk to about this?”
Suggest: “This is something a family member or friend needs to know about so they can support you.”
Give 2 Choices: “Do you want me to talk to them, or do you want to be the one to do it?” There is no third option. Talk about this as if they will find out—because in the end, you are going to make sure they do.
Offer to Help: “I would be willing to sit with you and even help you tell them. Would you like that?”
Pray with them.
Thank you for giving (name) the courage to talk to me about something so personal. Please help us to take the next steps together to help make sure (name) gets the help he needs. Thank you for sending Jesus to die for us, and thank you for always sticking with us during difficult times like these. Please protect (name) and help them see how valuable they are to you. In Jesus name we pray, amen.”
After the conversation, inform a ministry leader promptly. If the danger is immediate, call 911 or take them to the Emergency Room for help.
Specific Questions to Ask
Have you ever thought about this before, or tried to harm yourself or others before?
When was the last time you had these thoughts?
Lower Risk: “5 years ago”
Higher Risk: “Yesterday”
How often do you have these thoughts?
Lower Risk: “Maybe once a year”
Higher Risk: “Once or twice a month”
Highest Risk: "Every day" or "multiple times a day"
Have you thought about how or when you would do this?
Lowest Risk: “Not really.”
Moderate Risk: They have a general idea of what they would do and when…
Higher Risk: They have specific ideas of what they would do and when and where they would do it.
Do you have access to weapons or things that you would use to do it?
Lower Risk: "No."
Higher Risk: "Yes."